


100% all-beef meat thermometer

by hannielecter (Fish_and_Celery)



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Crack, Humour, M/M, euphemisms for penis that should never be used under any circumstance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 17:45:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1135591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fish_and_Celery/pseuds/hannielecter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hannibal and Will do the do and FBI special Agent Graham's ecstasy at his close encounter of the third kind with Dr Lecter's yoghurt slinger is tempered by Hannibal's irresponsible and frankly disgusting (mis)use of euphemisms</p><p>For his dick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	100% all-beef meat thermometer

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a post by Tumblr user yoiplait of dick euphemisms that should not ever be used in fic. You know the one.  
> I AM sorry, but I never really could resist a challenge
> 
> Due to the fact that I didn't come up with the list, I take 0 creative responsibility for this piece of brainfart  
> ok fine I take like 1% responsibility  
> 

Special Agent Graham of the FBI is a distinguished expert in his field. (Which is actual like in probably forensics and like criminology or something and not empathy. Empaths don't get degrees like lawyers and engineers do _either BA OR BS DAMMIT WILL.)_

So yeah Agent Graham is respected and writes papers on like bugs eating people and shit and teaches lots of impressionable young FBI trainees even though his lectures are more like mindwanking and fangirly powerpoints than actual lectures but whatever (real students go to lectures to learn not to be creepy extras in extremely well shot scenes WHATEVER)

and therefore

THEREFORE

as the result of this long and rambling chain of illogic NOT THAT WILL WAS FEELING VERY LOGICAL AND REASONABLE RIGHT NOW

WILL GRAHAM, SPECIAL AGENT OF THE _FB_ FUCKING _I_

DESERVES MORE RESPECT,  _DR LECTER_

THAN BEING BENT OVER A TABLE AND FUCKED WITH AN APPENDAGE IT'S OWNER NICKNAMED

**_captain winky_ **

Will is trying to be accepting of Hannibal's European eccentricity or whatever it was, because the rest of him is pretty sexy, but if he cried out "oh yeah take my love stick" or "you love my doinker don't you Will" ONE MORE TIME, Special Agent Graham is more than certain that very soon, his boss and colleages at the BAU would be standing around yet another grostequely dismembered body, and _Will would be the one to put it there._

"Oh for fuck's sake Hannibal!" Will cries out in exasperation, pushing himself off the dinner table and pulling Hannibal's dick out from his ass none too gently. "Will you just stop giving your dick stupid names and actually fuck me without sounding like a deranged cannibalistic serial killer who eats oversized phalluses in compensatory futility or will I have to go home and break out Dr Buzz?"  Dr Buzz, as a matter of fact, was Will's best, favourite, and only vibrator. It was so unfortunately named because that was what the company called it's product, and not because Will was a blithering idiot who calls his dildos and his actual own penis names such as power drill and DNA rifle.

Hannibal looks slightly hurt but mostly offended.

"My Dear Will," he announces with that irritatingly sexy accent and his stupid dramatic Verbal Capitalisation."My  _Dear_ Will," he repeats again. "That was positively hurtful." He pauses, extending the drama of the moment like the asshole he is."In fact, it was downright  _rude._ " He finishes with smugness and some obvious double meaning which Will attributes to probably one of his sad inside jokes with himself or a terrible pun, but which the reader and like every bloody other person in the universe who doesn't work for the BAU knows is because Hannibal is a serial killing cannibalistic  _douche._

Will looks Hannibal in the eye with his best thousand yard stare, his eyes dead and unforgiving. Then, without even a single pause in the middle for breath, he begins reciting:"love stick doinker schlong wankie ding dong 100% all-beef thermometer bologna pony stinky pickle magic wand divine rod love muscle power drill captain winky yogurt slinger DNA rifle"

Hannibal stares back at him, not entirely how to respond to such a well prepared barrage.

Will pulls up his underwear and trousers, and puts on his jacket. Then, giving Hannibal another one of his dead-eyed and condescending stares, he makes his way out of the house.

"Oh, and by the way, Hannibal," he adds, as he steps into his shoes."Your food is always dry and flavourless and your suits are tacky and ugly and your therapy sessions are good for flirting but shitty as fuck for my mental state and you are actually the  _rudest person I know, so you can just fuck off._ "

Will pulls the door shut, and drives off.

About half a minute later, there comes an explosion of blood, gore, and brain matter as Hannibal's inability to accept his rudeness and his culinary incompetence culminated in the explosion of both his head and his overstocked fridge.

A piece of gore lands mournfully on Will's left rear-view mirror, but he can't work up enough fucks given to bother glancing back at Hannibal's house.

 

**THE END**


End file.
